Breaking Final Fantasy
by Dragon MoonX
Summary: A collection of stories based on various bugs and glitches in FFVI. Each chapter focuses on a different bug/glitch, and will contain copious amounts of ridiculous humor. [This story is currently on hold while I work on other projects.]
1. Psycho Cyan Bug

**Breaking Final Fantasy**

Disclaimer: all Final Fantasy names, characters and locations are property of Square Enix. I own nothing that you recognize.

A/N: this collection was inspired by a webpage called _How To Break Final Fantasy VI_ , which mentions various glitches and bugs found throughout the game. It got me thinking about writing stories based on those glitches. So without further ado I give you Breaking Final Fantasy.

* * *

Chapter 1 - Psycho Cyan Bug

He should have known that it was going to be one of those days, the kind that makes you pray to Kefka that some higher power will end it all with their Light of Judgment. It began when he made the mistake of sitting next to Gau during breakfast. The feral child was feeling rather friskey that morning, due to the break in the weather which had been unseasonably hot this time of year, and went leaping up onto the table and spilled his breakfast all over the samurai's lap.

Sabin was no help at all. He leaned back in his seat and laughed as Gau attempted to lick maple syrup off Cyan's cheek. Relm snorted and covered her mouth with her hands, stifling a fit of giggles while Strago glared at her from across the table. At least Setzer was kind enough to help clean up the mess.

Mog frowned and shook his head. "Can't you control that boy, kupo? I mean seriously, I've got Umaro so well trained I can get him to balance a ball on his nose."

"Ball?" Gau shot up onto the table, looking wildly around the room. "Who say ball? Gau want play!"

Terra laughed and pulled a super ball out of her pocket. "Come on, Gau. Do you want to play fetch?"

Gau howled and started running in circles around the half-Esper girl.

"Come on then," said Terra, taking him outside so Cyan could enjoy the rest of his meal in peace.

But it didn't end there. When they went in search of the rest of their friends, Setzer succeeded in getting lost halfway to Maranda. This resulted in an argument between him and Celes. When Cyan came over to see what was wrong, he found the gambler and the former general fighting over who would take control of the airhship.

"Setzer is lost and he's too stupid to stop and ask for directions!" said Celes, tugging the steering wheel to the left.

"We are not lost," Setzer insisted, yanking the steering wheel to the right. "We are exploring new lands in search of our friends."

The airship veered to the right, and Cyan went sliding across the deck of the Falcon. He slammed into Shadow, who was in the middle of sparring with Sabin. This resulted in the unfortunate samurai almost getting scalped when Shadow threw one of his shuriken at him. But at least Sabin didn't laugh this time, and seized Shadow by the wrist to prevent him from throwing anything else at Cyan.

Later, when they landed in a field and began trekking across the vast, empty plains in search of their missing friends, Gau thought it would be fun to try playing leap frog with a bunch of Leap Frogs. He sprinted across the field on all fours, laughing and howling like some wild animal, when suddenly a pair of Sprinters came crashing through the bushes. A battle ensued, during which Mog tried to cast one of the spells he'd been learning from the magicite they'd picked up back in Vector, and accidentally cast Imp on Cyan just as he finished charging his Sky attack.

By this point in time Cyan had reached his breaking point. It had been one thing after another ever since he got out of bed. And after everything he'd been through in the past year, he couldn't take it anymore. Something in him snapped, and he charged at the incoming Sprinters, swinging his sword and howling with rage. The others stood back and watched, staring at him in disbelief as he shouted, "For the wife and kid!"

He repeatedly hacked and slashed at their foes until every last one of them was defeated. But it didn't stop there. He continued to stab the dead Sprinter until Edgar and Sabin grabbed him by his arms and drug him away from the mass of bodies.

"Cyan, stop!" Edgar shouted. "Its dead already!"

The brothers carried the screaming, flailing imp back to the airship, where they eventually managed to calm him down and fed him a green cherry to restore him to his normal self.

"I'm sorry," said Cyan. The samurai hung his head in shame. "I don't know what came over me."

Sabin grinned and clapped him the back. "Hey, don't worry about it. With moves like that Kefka won't stand a chance against us."


	2. Zozo Jumping Bug

Chapter 2 - Zozo Jumping Bug

Locke staggered up to the window ledge, peering over the side at the long drop below. Perhaps he should have listened to that merchant who told him not to go jumping between buildings. A fall from this height could easily break his neck. And to make matters worse, he was still drunk after their brief stop in Kohlingen had him coming face to face with a remnant of his tragic past.

They had seen him kneeling beside her bed, holding her hand in both of his. Her skin felt so cold against the warmth of his body. She was still just as cold, just as pale as when he'd last seen her. Nothing was going to change that, not unless he managed to find the fabled treasure he'd been searching for.

After seeing her and being reminded of his failure to protect the one he loved, Locke waited until the others weren't looking and snuck off to the local pub for a good strong drink. One drink turned into three, then four, and now he was swaying slightly as he peered over the edge of the windowsill.

"Locke!" Celes called out, waving to him from the adjacent building. "Come on, Locke. Hurry up and get over here."

The thief adjusted his bandana, backed away from the ledge, then took a running leap and went flying backwards off the windowsill. No one was sure how he managed to spin in the air, twisting himself in a half-circle so that he was facing left while jumping right. He then hit the side of the building with a splat, his legs flailing in the air as he faced the wrong way yet again, looking out at the rain soaked streets below as he pulled himself up onto the ledge.

Celes stood back, watching as hauled himself in through the open window. "What the hell was that?"

Locke grinned. "An optical illusion, my dear Chere," he said, his words slurring together as he spoke.

"Right. And I'm sure the smell of whiskey on your breath is an illusion too."

"Yep." He then fell face first onto the floor and passed out.

Moments later Edgar looked up and saw Celes dragging Locke's unconscious body down the stairs.

"Get the phoenix down," she said, ignoring the soft thump, thump sound as Locke hit his head on every step as they descended the stairs. "Locke drank too much and passed out after flying sideways out the window."


	3. Sketch Glitch

Chapter 3 - Sketch Glitch

Terra stumbled backwards, falling down on one knee as the Greater Mantis they were fighting slashed at her with their scythes, missing her by inches as she stumbled backwards onto the dry, parched earth. She looked over at Relm who was scribbling on her sketchpad.

The ten year old pictomancer was painting a picture of the Greater Mantis. She needed to finish it before their foe succeeded in taking off Terra's head with its razor sharp scythes. But it was difficult to concentrate, due to the fact that her target was leaping and moving around the battlefield. She was just about to finish her painting when a sudden cry rent the air, and Mog let fly with a badly timed Vanish that struck the mantis, effectively vanishing it from sight before Relm could finish her painting.

The moogle still hadn't gotten the hang of using magic, and had been trying to cast Cura on Terra when he accidentally vanished the mantis. This, of course, made it impossible for Relm to finish her painting. She became frustrated and started scribbling on her sketchpad, her paintbrush glowing as she covered the page in random streaks of color.

The light was growing stronger, and she let out an exasperated cry, snapping the paintbrush in two. The magic flowing from her broken paintbrush caused the colors she was painting with to spill out onto the earth. There was an explosion of color like fireworks erupting in the sky, staining Edgar's hair grey and causing both Shadow's clothing and Mog's fur to turn pink. Terra was spooked by this sudden explosion of color and spontaneously morphed into her Esper form, while ribbons of paint slithered up her legs, turning her hair purple and her skin red.

But it didn't end there. A hail of daggers rained down from the sky, followed by gem boxes, shields, swords, robes and other such items. The ground began to quake, and the team of heroes were forced to take shelter in a nearby cave to escape the onslaught of items pouring from the sky.

Gau sat at the mouth of the cave, his eyes wide as he watched the shining swords and glittering, diamond encrusted shields strike the earth. "Shiny. So much shiny!"

Locke glomped the feral child, his arms around him as he nearly squeezed the life out of the poor boy. "Treasure!" he exclaimed. "It's like a dream come true! Never ending treasure falling from the sky!"

Beside them Relm was trembling with barely suppressed rage, still clutching her broken paintbrush in her fist. "You made me mess up my painting!"

"You see now why she always has to have her way?" said Strago. "I didn't want to bring her with us, but when she gets upset bad things happen. Very bad things."

Terra looked down at her hands. "I look like I've got a bad sunburn."

"I'm pink, kupo!" The moogle danced in a circle in the cave, flapping his wings and trying to wipe the color off his fur.

"Yeah, well you're the one who started it in the first place, you great pink lump!" Relm cried, hitting him over the head with her sketchpad. "I can't sketch something that I can't see!"

By now Locke had abandoned Gau in the mouth of the cave and had run out onto the veldt. He began scooping up armloads of treasure and hauling it into the cave, completely ignoring the argument going on between the moogle and the ten year old artist.

Edgar held a strand of his now grey hair between his fingers, looking at it intently before glancing up into the sky. "I wonder if it would be possible to make it rain lovely ladies," he mused, grinning as he imagined a multitude of females pouring from the sky. "Ha, now that would be a sight worth seeing. Far better than gold and treasure if you ask me."


	4. Chocobo Riding-Decapitation Glitch

Chapter 4 - Chocobo Riding/Decapitation Glitch

Locke groaned, holding his stomach as he leaned against the wall of the stable. Edgar, Banon and Terra were already in the process of picking out a chocobo for the long journey ahead, but the treasure hunter was feeling sick to his stomach due to the large quantity of mushrooms he'd eaten.

"Locke, is there something wrong?" asked Terra, looking at him with concern as he hiccuped and held a hand over his mouth.

"He's fine, Terra," said Edgar. "Our majestic thief stumbled across a treasure trove of mushrooms this morning. And despite the fact that I explicitly stated that he was not to eat them, he devoured them all anyway."

"I'm not a thief," Locke groaned, sliding down the wall until he was sitting in a pile of dusty straw on the floor of the stable. "I'm a treasure hunter, dammit."

Terra looked at Edgar. "Why wasn't he supposed to eat them?"

"Because they're mogrooms, my dear Terra." The king mounted his chocobo, then took hold of the reins as he prepared to exit the stable. "Mogrooms are for moogles. People aren't supposed to eat them. And if they do, they soon become quite ill and start hallucinating."

Locke's vision blurred, the images around him fading in and out of focus. He lifted his head, the corner of his ragged bandana falling into his face as he looked at Terra, and all he saw was her head sitting there in a pile of straw.

"What the - ?" He eased the bandana out of his eyes and screamed. "Holy shit, Edgar! Someone cut off Terra's head and left it lying on the ground!"

The others turned to stare at him. Banon was startled by his sudden outburst, but Edgar simply rolled his eyes and ordered his chocobo forward. He leaned over and grabbed Locke by the back of his shirt, hoisting him up onto the back of his chocobo just as the severed head of Terra Branford started singing _I'm A Little Teapot_ while it was laying there on its side.

"Hang on, Locke," said Edgar, laughing as they rode out of the stable. "It'll be some time before the effects of those mushrooms wear off." He grinned and looked back at his companion as Locke slumped against the King's back, holding on for dear life as the world spun in front of his eyes. "You're in for one hell of a ride, my friend."

Terra and Banon met up with them moments later, with Banon leading the way as their feathered steeds raced across the grassy plains. The motion of the chocobo didn't help with Locke's nausea, but his stomach problems were quickly forgotten when he looked up and saw a headless Banon sprinting ahead of the group.

The treasure hunter screamed, his panicked cries mingling with Edgar's laughter as the four of them rode off into the sunset.


	5. Duncan Bug

Chapter 5 - Duncan Bug

Terra and Locke approached the cabin in the woods, watching as shadows danced across the windows. The sun had already set behind the mountains, and a cool breeze was blowing across the plains. They knew they should have returned to the airship before it started getting dark, but when they saw signs of life in the small cabin on the hill they decided to investigate.

Terra approached the building and looked in the window. She saw an old man practicing his martial arts routine, his aging figure casting shadows on the wall as he leapt and spun. He punched the air before turning and leaping back to the center of the room.

"Wait a minute. Doesn't Sabin's old master live out here?"

Locke shrugged. "I don't know. I thought he supposedly died when his son attacked and killed him."

"But what if he isn't dead? What if he survived and has been living here all this time?"

The door creaked on its rusty hinges and swung open, creating a narrow gap for them to see into the building. Without thinking Terra rushed in and accidentally startled the poor old man, causing his aim to go awry as he leapt up and went crashing through the wall.

Locke's mouth dropped open in shock. "Terra, what have you done?"

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry, Locke! I didn't mean for that to happen."

"Don't apologize to me! Apologize to the old man whose house you wrecked."

"Well, it wouldn't be the first time I accidently demolished someone's house." She poked her head through the hole in the wall and waved at the old man. "Hi, my name is Terra. Sorry about your wall. I guess I got so excited at finding someone who was still alive that I rushed in without thinking."

Locke facepalmed. This girl had less social grace than Gau, but at least she didn't jump on people and lick their face when she met them.


	6. Magic Bug

Chapter 6 - Magic Bug

A/N: This chapter is dedicated to Valkyrie Celes. Thanks, Val, for all your wonderful reviews and inspiration.

Celes had been training for the past week, trying to hone her skills before the big showdown with Kefka. But there was a problem. Dr. Cid told her that she should be able to learn spells naturally over time, but instead of learning Confuse like she was supposed to, she ended up learning Haste instead.

"I don't understand," she said. "Cid was able to figure out which spells I'd learn based on the Espers he used during the infusion process. He was also able to calculate when I would learn them, and according to his calculations, I should have learned Confuse ages ago."

"Maybe his calculations were off," said Setzer. He swirled the wine in his glass and took a sip. "I don't suppose something like that would be easy to predict."

Sabin leaned forward in his seat, blinking and looking at Celes with curiosity as he folded his arms on the table. "Hang on, weren't you his second Magitek Knight?"

Celes nodded. "Yes, but I fail to see what that has to do with anything."

"Well, maybe the process wasn't as perfect as he thought it was." He snorted, a smirk forming on the corners of his lips. "Be funny if you went bonkers just moments before we head to the tower to take on Kefka."

"Stop it, Sabin! That isn't funny." Celes was furious with him for even suggesting such a thing, but also slightly worried because she knew there was a chance that he was right. "Maybe we should go back to Solitary Island and ask him of his calculations were off."

Setzer patted her on the back. "There now, Celes. I'm sure everything will be fine. If you want you could try learning the spell with magicite."

"But that's not the way it's supposed to go! I'm supposed to learn Confuse on my own without using magicite." Celes leaned forward with her head in her hands, her blond hair spilling forward to frame her face. "Honestly, Setzer. I don't know why this is happening. I feel so confused."

"Then it worked!"

"What?"

Setzer burst out laughing.

"Dammit, Setzer!" Celes drew her sword and leapt from her seat. She then proceeded to chase the gambler around the inn while Sabin laughed until tears streamed down his cheeks.


	7. Sketch Glitch 2, Relm Eats Herself

Chapter 7 - Sketch Glitch 2, Relm Eats Herself

A/N: This glitch was brought to my attention by a reviewer, and after watching the video of Relm inhaling herself with La, I just had to write this. This is also a continuation of sketch glitch part one, and follows directly after Relm's failed attempt at sketch.

* * *

Edgar was still in the process of examining his silver hair and fantasizing about women, when suddenly a cry rang out through the cavern. He looked up and saw his friends gathered around Relm, who had collapsed and was lying on the ground towards the back of the cave.

Gau knelt down beside her, whimpering softly as he nudged her hand. "Relm wake up now," he murmured. He waited for her to move, then looked at Terra. "What happen?"

"I don't know." Terra looked at the members of their group. "Does anyone have any phoenix down? Maybe we can revive her with that."

"I've got some." Locke reached into his pocket and came out with a glowing tuft of crimson feathers. But even that wasn't enough to revive the unconscious pictomancer.

"This happens sometimes when she throws a magical tantrum," Strago explained. He was the only one who had managed to stay calm while the others fussed over Relm and worried about what to do with her. "It takes a lot of energy for her to summon those objects from the sky, which causes her to faint after the sharp decline in her magic. But don't worry, it should only be a two minute wait before she wakes up again."

"You sound as though you've had some previous experience with this," said Locke.

"Yes, well, remember the flame rods they were storing in the house she set on fire?"

"Yeah."

"Relm has thrown so many tantrums that we had to build a house to store all the objects that she summons. She's the only one in the village that can do this, though we don't know how or why. We assume it has something to do with her being a pictomancer. Her magic focuses on the creation of things. And so whenever she's upset she creates a hail of objects falling from the sky and turns people different colors with her paint."

"Damn, this kid's got some power." Locke looked over his shoulder at the mounds of treasure he'd collected. "Hey, Setzer, you mind if we load that stuff onto the Falcon and take it with us? Seems a shame to leave all that perfectly good treasure behind."

Setzer rolled his eyes. "And what're we supposed to do eighty dirks?" he asked, holding up one of the many weapons Relm had magically summoned from the sky. "I can't imagine needing all of these."

"We could sell them," Locke suggested. "Then use the money to buy more supplies."

Setzer sighed and tossed the dirk onto the pile of armor, weapons and relics. "I think we have enough, Locke. And aside from the dragoon boots, most of this junk wouldn't earn us much gold if we sold it anyway."

Their conversation was interrupted by a low moan as Relm opened her eyes, sitting up slowly and gazing about the cave. She was disoriented and confused, her stomach growling as she doubled over and wrapped her arms around her waist. A voice in her head was singing, repeating the same word over and over again. A simpering smile spread across her face, and she started rocking back and forth, singing along with the voice in her head.

Gau took a step back, looking somewhat anxious and afraid as the little girl chanted, "Lalalala lala lalala lalala la."

"Oh no." Strago took one look at her and shot up off the floor. "Run!" he shouted, not bothering to give them an explanation as he bolted towards the mouth of the cave.

They watched the old man flee the cave, then looked back at Relm and saw that her eyes were shining like the headlights on the Phantom Train. The ground began to shake, and driving winds with the force of a hurricane sprang up out of nowhere. It took a moment for them to realize that the wind was coming from Relm, but by then it was too late.

Locke clung to a stalagmite, holding on for dear life as his feet left the ground. His bandana was whipped off in the wind, and he screamed as Terra went flying past, disappearing into Relm's mouth as she inhaled her teammates.

One by one the little girl devoured her friends, and when she was finished with them she ate herself as well.

.oOo.

Setzer groaned, coming too slowly and looking around. He was sitting in a dark room with brown, squishy walls, his hair and clothing soaked with some sort of clear fluid. A light was shining overhead, illumining the bodies of his unconscious friends who had gotten sucked into Relm's belly. And there in the middle of the room was Relm, lying face down in a puddle of the same fluid that coated his hair and clothes.

None of this made any sense, and Setzer was beginning to wonder if it was nothing more than some sort of bizarre dream. He crawled across the floor on his hands and knees, slipping in a pool of fluid before finally making his way over to the unconscious pictomancer.

"Relm?" He put his hand on her shoulder and rolled her over onto her back. "Relm, are you alright?"

Edgar awoke with a start, followed by Locke and Sabin.

The King blinked and gazed around the darkened room in silence. He wiped the slime off his forehead and exhaled sharply. "Phew! What a woman! A shame she's only ten. I'd like to see what else she can do with that mouth when she's older."

Terra, Mog and Shadow woke up next, looking around in confusion at their new surroundings. When they spied the little girl on the floor next to Setzer, they rushed over to see if she was alright, and was relieved when she opened her eyes and started moving.

Relm sat up on the floor, groaning and holding her head with one hand. "I'm sorry," she muttered, her words slurring together like she was drunk. "Didn't mean to do that... Ugghh... I feel sick."

"Wait a minute," said Locke. "If she's here then she must have eaten herself. But how can she do that? How is any of this possible?"

Edgar looked at him and calmly stated that it is possible to eat yourself.

Locke sweatdropped. "Have you ever eaten yourself?"

"Once, when I was really lonely," the King replied.

Sabin put his hands over his ears. "Would you please shut up!" he shouted, his brother laughing at his reaction. "We don't need to hear that! _I_ don't need to hear that!"

This, of course, made Edgar laugh even harder, and he fell over onto his back with a splat, clutching his stomach as he landed in a pool of clear fluid.

"Relm." Setzer put his hands on Relm's shoulders. "Listen to me. We need to get out of here. Do you know how we can escape?"

"Up there." The little girl pointed at the light shining from the hole in the ceiling. "Just step into the light and you'll be warped back to the surface."

Setzer put his arms around her, picking her up and carefully positioning her over his shoulder. "Everyone to the light!" he cried, motioning for them to follow as he sprinted uphill towards the one ray of light that pierced the darkness of Relm's stomach.

Relm groaned, her sight swimming as she was engulfed in shining light. The next thing she knew she was on her hands and knees in an unfamiliar world, vomiting into a patch of dead weeds. Setzer was beside her, rubbing her back as she retched and gagged. Terra and the others were there too, staring in wonder at the strange landscape.

They were standing in the middle of a barren wasteland. The ground was parched, with deep fissures and cracks running through the petrified soil. The only plant life that existed in this world was either dead or dying, with tumbleweeds blowing across the open plains.

Edgar raised a hand to shield his eyes from the bright glare of the sun. "Where are we?"

"It looks like Relm inhaled everything in existence," said Terra. "Is that... Is that even possible?"

"Way to go, kid!" Sabin exclaimed. "You sucked all the life out of the planet! And you!" He turned to his brother, who was already grinning and was just about to make a comment. "Don't say anything."

"What?" Edgar feigned innocence, taking a step back and glancing at Relm, who was trying her best to stand on her own two feet again.

Setzer, who was the only one in the group who seemed to have any sense, stated that it was impossible for Relm to have drained the life out of the planet. "Strago said her magic focuses on creation, and this is the opposite of creation," he said, motioning towards the ruined landscape.

Relm stumbled and fell forward into Terra's arms. "I wanna go home," she whined. "My tummy hurts. I wanna go home and see grandpa."

Shadow sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger. This was why he didn't have anything to do with his family, because the last thing he wanted was to be held responsible when his daughter accidentally destroyed the world.


End file.
